What does self-love really mean? It’s that feeling that no matter what happens, or what “mistakes” you think you have made, you are really perfect. That feeling of unconditional support and understanding that comes from someone that really sees you on a deeper level than anyone else. The feeling that you are all right, right now, no matter what.
Sometimes in our society it can feel that it may be egotistical or narcissistic to love ourselves. We are taught to love others, and put them first. We’re taught to be humble and not prideful. We are told that being hard and critical of ourselves is the way to motivate and push ourselves forward in life. If we ease up or are actually kind to ourselves maybe we won’t continue to make progress or people will judge us for thinking we’re better than them.
This way of thinking is totally backwards when it comes to the truth, co creating the life that you want, and living in the best and most collaborative way with the rest of the people on earth. What if everyone felt so loving towards themselves and in alignment that they could be generous with everyone else? When we are hard on ourselves it actually creates fear in our bodies, which generates a feeling of needing to protect ourselves and compete with others, which creates separation and disconnection and inhibits our growth as individuals and collectively.
The ego wants us to believe this illusion of separation so that it can continue to have a job and run the show. If we realized how lovely and magnificent we all are and truly felt that love on a deep level, we really would never listen to the fear based ego and then it would have to retire. If we started listening to the truth about ourselves instead, that we are all one, that there is no separation, that we are all unique expressions of divine love, we would lift ourselves up first and positively impact those around us and continue the evolution of the consciousness of the human race.
We are generally unaware of our inner dialogue and how negative it can be. In order to begin to shift the pattern of negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves that prevent self-love, we need to pay more attention to what we are thinking about. Once we start practicing more awareness of all of our thoughts, and setting the intention of being kinder to ourselves, the negative judgments will begin leaping to the surface for us to see and then begin to shift.
Generally the judgments may not feel terribly mean, things like “you could have done better” or “why did you do that” or “you should have known.” This subtle version of negative self-talk can be easily justified as motivational perhaps, or as helpful critical feedback. Generally when we have received this sort of feedback growing up or throughout our life it is comfortable and easy to slip into this kind of dialogue with ourselves.
Sometimes it can be much harsher, and when practicing awareness this can be almost easier to spot because the emotional impact is stronger. For example “you stupid idiot” might be easier to become aware of than “you could have done better” because the way that thought makes us feel is more intense. All of it, however, subtle, clear, harsh, mean and negative has an impact on you, your feelings, and therefore the direction of your life.
Some gentler, kinder and more helpful for you in actually achieving your goals, ways of saying the same things are, “I’m proud of you for trying, here’s what you can do differently next time” or “I can see why I did it that way, and here’s the beautiful learning that came from that for the future” and “how could you have known? You’ve never done that before.” It can feel real silly at first if you’ve never practiced the inner dialogue of saying kind and loving things to yourself. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong or to stop however, it means you need it even more. Just remember that slight shifts to a more self-compassionate way of speaking to yourself make a huge difference in your vibration and energetic system.
The more and more sensitive and in touch with your emotions and body responses, the easier it is to use the clues to tune into any negative thoughts that are creating it. Starting to pay attention more of the time in general will help you become more aware of all of the inner dialogue, as well as using your body and feelings to guide you to when things are going down the negative road internally.
Some ways to connect to the power of self-love in everyday life are:
1. Start with awareness:
Again, the more aware you can be of internal thoughts and feelings the easier it will be to shift from fear to love in the moment. As you become more aware of the old unconscious internal fear based dialogue and how it impacts how you feel energetically, your motivation for working on it will continue to increase. Who doesn’t want to feel good? As we become more conscious that we actually have a big impact on the way we feel by what we’re telling ourselves, we start to notice the payoffs of doing it differently. More energy, feeling happier, and co creating a more delightful life in the future.
2. Proactively bringing in the good:
While it’s super important first of all to be cultivating awareness of negative self-talk, what really creates lasting change in your neural networks and energetic system is the bringing in of the positive self-talk on purpose, all day every day. For example, taking account of all the things you do in a day and being proud of yourself. Reminding yourself often of the things you love about yourself “I’m so loving,” “I’m such a wonderful friend” “I really showed up for that person in my life today,” for example.
3. Cultivate feelings of love:
If it’s difficult for you to feel love towards yourself, spending time in meditation cultivating the feelings of love you have for someone/something you love deeply, and then transferring that feeling to yourself can be very effective. Whether that is your dog, your child, your mom or your best friend, most everyone knows what that feels like, and it’s a good place to start practicing.
4. Meditate & visualize:
Another way to bridge the gap from feeling neutral or negative about yourself to loving yourself, is to spend time in meditation and throughout the day imagining loving light (or sparkles, or stardust, or rainbows, whatever works for you) surrounding and loving you. This is actually happening all the time whether you are aware of it or not, and reminding yourself of this more often will help the feeling grow and build the bridge between love from everything to love from and to yourself. A helpful tool from Abraham Hicks is to repeat, over and over again for at least 5 minutes, a prayer of thank you to whatever your belief system aligns with for loving you so much. Something like “thank you for loving me, thank you for guiding me, thank you for adoring me, thank you for cherishing me, etc.…” This will shift your energy very quickly and put you in the frequency of love.
5. Hand on your heart:
A simple, quick tool to use often while working on self-love is to simply put your hand on your heart, taking some deep breaths, and imagining loving energy flowing in. This simple act produces oxytocin, the “love” hormone, the same one produced by nursing mothers to help bond with their child, and in loving relationships to connect people together. What a miracle that we are able to produce this same feeling simply by touching and loving ourselves!
There are so many benefits to work on loving yourself. Increased health, decreased stress, more ability to know what you want and to manifest it into your life, and more healthy and connected relationships just to name a few. All of earth school can be a helpful practice in loving yourself through it, have fun practicing on the journey!
Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant
Learn more about Spiritual Counseling with Shana Olmstead.
