“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” ― Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
It’s not personal. Even if it feels really personal, it’s coming through a filter of the other person’s history, wounds and projections. This isn’t an excuse for their behavior, and it doesn’t mean that you should put up with it or be in a relationship if someone is projecting all over you. It just means that learning to frame it differently for yourself will help you move on more quickly and understand that it is not about you.
So many times we feel so hurt by something someone did or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say. We wrap our emotional stability up too much in another’s hands. What if it really has nothing to do with us?
I believe that everyone in our lives, especially those that trigger us emotionally, are personal emotional trainers for us. I believe that everyone signed up for these roles before we incarnated, and we agreed to help each other grow in this way. Sometimes through difficulty and personality challenges.
Some examples of personal emotional trainers I have seen in my practice are bosses, children, parents, friends, partners, siblings and acquaintances. Anyone we have contact with is here to teach us and help us grow.
The boss that is demanding, that doesn’t listen, that pushes us too hard. This person is probably in our life to help us to be more assertive, to set personal boundaries, and to know when a situation is healthy or when it’s time to leave.
The child that frustrates, annoys and challenges us can help us grow in so many ways. How can this child teach us patience, compassion, and mindful awareness of our emotions and responses? What a beautiful gift to be able to practice these skills in your own home? We can’t improve or evolve as individuals without experiences with people in our lives that feel challenging.
The parent that triggers us can help us grow not only just with them, but the relationships we have with our parents lay the groundwork for how we respond to many other relationships in our lives. For example, if we grew up with a parent that invalidated our feelings, we may have a hard time feeling seen or heard in other relationships in our lives.
To be able to evolve emotionally in this type of pattern, you get to feel every time you do not feel heard, and work on expressing yourself more assertively. Your internal work here is to validate your own feelings, explain in a calm way how you feel, and practice being ok if the other person doesn’t understand how you feel.
With parents, it’s important to let go of any expectations of them in the relationship, remember that they are souls doing the best they can, and do your best to accept them just as they are. This can help you see areas that they are helping you grow, even if they are not aware it is happening.
Friendships are another great place to work on this whole thing. Especially if we have not consciously evolved in our friendships, we may sometimes be surrounded by friends that trigger us emotionally. From my perspective, this is both an opportunity to evolve in our consciousness, as well as a chance to potentially reevaluate the friendship.
When we are triggered by something a friend does or says, we get to practice remembering “It’s not personal!” even if it feels very personal. We get to practice feeling our feelings, and expressing them compassionately to our friend. We get to practice growing our self-love, and potentially changing the relationship as our love for ourselves continues to grow.
Romantic partnerships are lovely places to practice seeing your partner as a personal emotional trainer. Your soul helped you pick this person to help you evolve in your awareness. Every time you are triggered by something they do or say, it is an opportunity to remember, “It’s not about me.”
It’s an opportunity to get curious about what’s happening internally, emotionally with you to cause you to feel triggered. It’s an opportunity to get curious about the other person. To connect on a deeper level of understanding.
People have so many reasons under the surface that they do what they do and say what they say. There are wounds and betrayals and surprises and triggers that are beautifully unique to each one of us.
Our work is to continue to see the light in ourselves and each other. It is to focus so much on this light that the hurt becomes invisible. We are all beings of light, trying our best to grow, to heal, to learn and to love. It’s not always beautiful, and it’s sometimes messy but we are all in this together.
Hurt people hurt people. If we can remember this, instead of going to anger and defensiveness when feeling attacked, we can see the humanity underneath the surface. It is all a call to wake up. It is a call to connect, collaborate and love.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant
I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.
