Are you a coach or a cheerleader? In relationships with people in our lives, we often want to be helpful. Especially for empathic, compassionate people, we tend to want to help and fix, and change and….control.
It doesn’t feel this way when it’s happening at all. When we are drawn to helping it feels like we are doing something good and really trying to make things better. Often, however, this is really being motivated by fear rather than love.
A great example of this happened in a recent session with a client. Her wife is starting a business, and my client really wants to help her become successful. To do this, she offers advice and “helpful suggestions” about how to start and run businesses.
She is confused and disappointed when her wife feels criticized by this advice and doesn’t accept her help.
As we talked through this pattern, we discovered that her “helpful suggestions” were actually driven by fear. This is a common pattern. People try to control (this can also look like helping, fixing, giving advice, etc…) when they are in fear. When we fully are able to relax into faith we remember that nothing is ever wrong, and everyone is capable of achieving whatever they want.
In my client’s example, when she was growing up, her parents started several businesses that were never successful. This led to my client having a belief system that it is scary and unsafe to start a business. This belief system is leading to her “helping” her wife too much in an attempt to manage her own anxiety.
When she pushes her wife in this way, it leads to her wife either shutting down emotionally or getting angry. It decreases her wife’s drive, confidence, and motivation towards creating her business. It basically has the opposite effect of what my client intends.
As we were talking, my client told me that she wants to be a cheerleader. She wants her wife to feel supported and loved, but also to take her advice.
I reminded her that cheerleaders do not actually give advice. They cheer on the sidelines, offering support, encouragement, and praise no matter how the player is doing. They do not tell them where to run, how to throw the ball, or how to play.
As she was talking, she started to realize that while her intention was to be a cheerleader to her wife, her wife was actually feeling that she was a coach. This made her wife feel judged and criticized rather than supported.
My client decided that it would be better to take off the coach’s uniform and pick up some pompoms instead. As we connected the dots of her family history with starting businesses creating fear for her, which led to her trying to be too helpful for her wife, she really understood how ineffective this strategy was.
It was an unconscious pattern, and now that it is conscious she can be mindful of when it gets activated and then choose to respond as a cheerleader instead of a coach.
Here are some ways to tell if you are being a coach or a cheerleader:
Coaches sound like:
“You should……”
“You shouldn’t…..”
“Do it this way….”
“Don’t do that….”
Cheerleaders sound like:
“You can do it!”
“I believe in you!”
“You are capable!”
“You are strong!”
Does this make sense? There are a time and place for coaches, but generally, unless someone that you are in a relationship in your life asks for advice, they don’t want it. They just want you to love and support them unconditionally, no matter what. Just be their cheerleader.
Some ways to make sure you are staying in your own lane, and not controlling (I mean helping) people in your life are:
Check-in with yourself first:
Make sure you have reflected on why you are trying to give advice before you do it. Ask yourself “what am I scared of at this moment?” Allow yourself to get still and quiet and discover the real motivation that is driving you to want to give advice. It is probably about fear, and not trusting that the other person is capable to create the change they want.
Ask them “Do you want a coach or a cheerleader right now?”
Before giving advice, and after checking in with yourself, ask the other person if they want advice, or just listening and support. Ask them, and then really listen to and respect their answer. Take off the coach’s uniform!
Remind yourself to trust:
The truth is that everyone is a powerful and capable soul. Nobody needs you to help or fix them. Let go and remember that love means letting others voluntarily evolve. If you project your fear and worry onto them by trying to help too much, you are actually handicapping their growth and evolution. Send them love and light, and see them as capable of anything they want in their lives. This helps them rise to that vibration, and achieve more than they thought possible!
So please, even though it’s not always easy to do, put down the coach’s loud annoying whistle and pick up some pompoms and a cute cheerleading outfit. It will help you and those in your life feel more empowered, happier, and more alive. GOOO TEAM!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
