Should you go back to your ex? If you’re asking this question, you most likely already have the answer inside. You may have asked everyone you know, done 3 different color-coded pros and cons lists, meditated, prayed and begged for the answer.
It can be so hard to be in this position. After a breakup we sometimes are left with questions or feelings, and a need for validation of our experience. We want them to really understand our side of things. In some cases, we want them to change, to become the person we 
fantasized they could be if they only tried.
Sometimes it can be necessary and helpful to give it one last try. Sometimes we need the reminders that typically happen when the same patterns of behavior and feelings happen this time that happened last time. When you end up crying more than laughing again, and feeling frustrated rather than blissful.
There are no mistakes in life, it’s all about learning and growing, and it’s fine to break up and get back together 70 times if you want. However, if you are interested in your evolution, in transforming patterns and really finding the relationship that is in your highest good, it’s important to learn the signs that it’s time to let go, and not get back together.
If these signs are present when he (or she) is trying to get back together with you, or if you get back together and they pop up then, pay attention. People don’t change unless they are motivated to, and even then, it takes work!
Signs You Should Never (Ever, Ever) Get Back Together:
1. There is No Understanding or Acknowledgment of Your Feelings:
I know he (she) is sooo cute. And that they are trying sooo hard to win you back. And that it feels sooo good and validating when they say all the right things.
Pay attention to how they validate your feelings, and help you feel understood.
If they say: “The past is in the past babe, let’s just move on!”:
Run away!
2. They Are Not Taking Personal Responsibility:
If they don’t take responsibility for their part in the relationship, there is no way to move forward together.
Blaming you, acting like a victim, or making excuses are signs that they are not in a healthy place to get back together.
If they say: “I couldn’t help acting like that, you know how hard it is for me to ______ (be honest, be on time, pay for things, express my feelings, etc.).”:
Run away!
3. There is No Clear Evidence of Change:
It can feel so good when an ex is pursuing us. It activates all of those old childhood attachment patterns and can feel so exciting.
These feelings can blind us to the reality of what’s happening, making us feel that things are different when they really aren’t.
If your ex doesn’t show clear evidence of change like: going to therapy, taking more personal responsibility, caring deeply about your feelings, and making the behavioral changes you requested if necessary:
Run away!
4. The Same Patterns are Happening:
Often things are so wonderful in the honeymoon period of first getting back together with your ex. You are both so happy and connected, on your best behavior, your brains and bodies are flooded with happy love chemicals.
Over time, typically the same patterns emerge again. If these aren’t addressed by both of you, the same overall pattern will happen in the relationship again, leading to a breakup.
If the negative patterns are the same as they used to be after the exiting first two weeks:
Run away!
5. You Aren’t Telling Anybody:
I know, you’re embarrassed. Your whole support network has heard all the stories and been on the phone with you for hours after the breakup. How could you tell them you guys are talking again now?
In most cases, if you feel you have to hide your partner, it is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
If you say to yourself: “I can’t tell my friends and family we’re getting back together.” Run away!
Again, there are no mistakes. It’s perfectly fine to keep going back and for the with the same person. But if you’re ready to move forward and listen to what you already know your intuition is telling you, you can do it!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
