“I get triggered every time I’m around him.” He said. “He’s always judging me.” He felt self-critical, always trying, and failing, to live up to what he thought his dad’s example was.
His dad was superman. Always ultra-productive, and competent, and fast. Juggling a million things, running a successful business, going to the gym twice a day, and learning Japanese on the side, all while making it look easy.
In truth, his dad’s perfectionism is also not healthy. He most likely has unconscious beliefs tying his self-worth to productivity, as well as 
staying in the flight stress response to avoid dealing with his own feelings. (Ok I know I can’t really diagnose dad, but it is helpful to remember that he is a flawed human being as well!)
My client never felt understood by him. He is a gentle, slow, ethereal, spiritual, angelic being. He is so compassionate and empathic, always trying to make everyone around him happy, especially his dad.
This resulted in anxiety, resentment, and exhaustion! He is always tuning into his dad’s energy, trying to please him, not matter the cost to him or his own energy system.
Of course, this is generally unconscious. As we started talking about this pattern in session, he started realizing how much he is subtly paying too much attention to his dad when he is around him, rather than staying in his own body.
Especially for sensitive, empathic people, hypervigilance is very common. Our “Spidey senses” are always very attuned to everything around us, but they kick into overdrive when we are around a perceived threat.
This is our sensitive nervous system trying to keep us safe and protected, so we can have gratitude for this. At the same time, it’s important to be aware when this is happening, so that you can make a conscious choice about how much you allow this to impact how you feel and behave. With awareness comes choice and freedom.
As we discussed in session with my client, there are some tools that can help you create some freedom for you as well:
1. Pre-Pave for Success:
Especially around people you know you get triggered by (in my client’s example it is his dad) pre-pave your interactions to help you stay grounded.
Most people are anxious before potentially triggering interactions, so practice changing your dialogue.
Instead of: “I’m so anxious, I am so uncomfortable around my dad!”
Try: “I’m feeling more confident and empowered every time I see my dad.”
Before you know you will be speaking to or seeing him, pause, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, and imagine loving energy flowing into your heart and filling your body.
Visualize yourself feeling calm, grounded, and loving as you picture the interaction with your dad. Send him loving energy as well and remind yourself of what you appreciate about him.
You can’t control him, but you are in charge of your own energy!
2. Create Awareness of Your Hypervigilance:
Sensitive people tend to unconsciously tune into subtle energy shifts, changes in tone, body language, and facial expression more than other people.
This is your nervous system trying to protect you from perceived threats.
Instead of: “I have to pay attention to everything to keep myself safe”
Try: “I am always safe, I am always loved, and all is well.”
Focus on your own body, on purpose. Wiggle your toes, place your hand on your leg, feel your seat on your chair.
This will help to keep you in your body, instead of always trying to please everyone.
It may feel uncomfortable or even “selfish” to practice this. This is normal, keep practicing anyway, it does get easier.
3. Focus on Love:
When you can remind your energy system of that loving energy you felt when you were pre-paving the interaction, it helps you shift into the parasympathetic (relaxed and responsive) state, and out of your hypervigilant (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) state.
As you continue practicing being present in step two, it gets easier and easier to remind your energy system to align with the energy of love as well.
Instead of: “I need to stay on guard to defend myself.”
Try: “I relax into the energy of love in all of my relationships.”
As you focus on your body and are present in the moment, take it to the next level by imagining a bubble of loving energy surrounding the two of you. This energy is helping you both feel relaxed, energized, and calm.
This will allow you to feel more confident, speak your truth, and set boundaries if you need to.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
