I was 24, a brand-new mom, married, in the suburbs and feeling very alone. I had only lived in my community for a few years and had never been great about meeting new people. I was shy and introverted, and liked being alone anyway.
Once I had my son, however, he motivated me to try to find people to hang out with. I thought “I have to make friends for him.” So, I joined a Gymboree class for babies when he was 4 months old.
I was younger than the other moms by 5-10 years, and not as “fancy.” I didn’t have designer jeans or an expensive handbag, and I drove an old beat up pickup instead of a BMW like them. Even so, I pushed myself to pass around a paper for the other moms to put down their name and number so we could get together. I was making friends for myself and my son.
We had a lovely mom’s group for a few years. I felt a sense of belonging. Over time, I had a spiritual awakening, and felt less of a sense of belonging with this group. We seemed to have less and less in common as I grew in my consciousness.
Now I was 29, with two kids under 5, single and going back to college. I felt a calling to come to this school but did not right away feel a sense of belonging. I felt old and out of place. There weren’t too many single moms in my cohort at school, and most people were at least a few years younger than me.
Everybody was so organic and holistic and vegan and stuff. I was that way on the inside, but also wore makeup, curled my hair, and wore dorky suburban mom clothes from Costco and Target. I felt out of place for sure, even though I knew these were my people on the inside.
After we graduated, even though I was nervous about it, I started initiating “Bastyr Ladies” get togethers with my favorite people from college. It took until after we graduated to feel a true sense of belonging with my college friends, but now I consider them family. I held onto my faith and intuitive knowing that even though my ego was scared that I wouldn’t fit in, my soul knew we belonged together,
It’s hard and scary to not feel a sense of belonging. We are created to belong and have a feeling of connection and community. It’s healthy for our mental, physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing. I know lots of you empaths are saying that you don’t need that because you really like being alone.
I get that, I have a really big need for solitude as well. Like I really need it. I also know that I love and need to spend time with people I love, and to feel a sense of belonging. It helps me to feel grounded, supported and loved.
We also sometimes outgrow the sense of belonging we have always had as we grow and evolve. Maybe your family or old friends don’t understand you anymore, and you are looking to feel belonging again in a new way,
Whether you have never felt the sense of belonging, or need a new tribe, here are some tips to help:
Remember you are never alone:
After my spiritual awakening, while I was still looking for a sense of belonging, I started to realize that I was actually never alone.
When I recognized my spiritual connection, I understood that none of us are ever alone. We are surrounded by a loving presence of light constantly.
This presence wants us to fee loved, guided and protected always. We are never alone.
One easy way to tap into this is to close your eyes, and imagine God, or Jesus, white light or an Angel, whatever you believe, right next to you. This spiritual presence is all around you, all the time, wanting you to feel a sense of belonging.
Explore what you love:
For me, my love of all things spiritual and holistic brought me to a school community of others who were also passionate about those things.
For you, it might be hockey, or cooking, or music. Find what you love and go find places to explore that with other people.
In order to find people that you feel you belong with, go do things that interest and excite you! Find a meetup, or a class or workshop, or volunteering opportunity and just go do it.
Reach out:
When you go explore what you love, or just in everyday life, if you want to be reached out to, do the reaching out!
Even though I was super shy (I’ve come a long way 🙂 I pushed myself to start the mom’s group when my son was a baby. Even though I felt old and out of place at college, I pushed myself to reach out and invite people to get together and ended up with lifelong framily.
I know it’s not always easy, and you may have a story about yourself that says you are not someone who does that.
But guess what? You can change your story! And connection and belonging are very important in order to stay healthy and happy for your whole life.
Remember everyone is looking for belonging too:
If you are scared to reach out, remember they are too! Everyone wants belonging, and they might be just as scared as you are to just take that first step of reaching out and connecting.
We are all one already, we sometimes just need to remind our cute little humanness of that. Our ego gets scared of rejection and being vulnerable, even though in truth there is nothing to fear.
Feel it out, if you are out of your head, your intuition will easily guide you to those new connections that will be in your highest good. It will guide you on what to say and how to connect.
It will lead you to the sense of belonging you are looking for.
Don’t try to belong where you don’t belong:
Trust the signs and your intuition about where you belong.
If you keep trying to make yourself fit in somewhere and it doesn’t feel right, it might be the wrong people or environment for you.
Practice connecting with your feelings and energy in the situation. Do you feel lighter, happier and energized? Or depleted, frustrated and contracted?
Don’t try to force yourself to fit into an accountant’s world if you are an artist, or being a football fan if you are a sensitive pacifist.
Sometimes we feel like we don’t belong because we are meant to grow and change and find a new place of belonging.
Trust that it’s already here:
Of course along the way it’s always important to spend time imagining and visualizing what you want in a general way.
Feel and imagine yourself feeling a deep sense of belonging, laughing and having fun with people who truly understand you.
Stop telling yourself or anyone else that you are lonely or don’t know how to connect with people, instead remind yourself “It’s easy to connect” and “what if I always belong?”
You can do this. Family and a spouse are not enough to fill this in your life, everyone needs a tribe of their own. It doesn’t have to be big, but it has to be yours.
I hope you remember, separation is an illusion, we all already belong.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
