Everyone is a little codependent. We need to depend on each other for some of the things, some of the time. When it becomes a problem is when we aren’t able to connect with our own truth and depend solely on others for our happiness and peace.
This can look different in each person. Sometimes it’s not being able to be happy unless the other person is happy. Sometimes it’s asking for help on all decisions, and not being able to tune into your own truth in a situation. Sometimes it is feeling that a person doesn’t love us unless they ___fill in the blank: take out the garbage, come home at a certain time, text back within 5 minutes, etc.….
These things are never personal. The idea that they are is just a projection of an insecurity. People in our lives are just going about their business, learning what they need to learn, not planning to hurt us. It can feel that they are though. When we’re triggered and have unconsciously put our happiness in another’s hands, we can make up all kinds of stories to justify the pain: “They’re probably just trying to hurt us when they don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste! They know how important it is, so they must just not love us if they aren’t doing it!”
The truth is, they just don’t care about putting the cap on the toothpaste. Maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they didn’t remember, maybe it is just not a priority for them, maybe it really has nothing to do with us at all! When we can remember the truth that we are all loved, all the time, by creation and the universe, we can depend less on others to validate our worthiness. It can feel very personal though. I hear this all the time from clients “If he/she loved me they would act this way.” Again, this is not true. Whatever is happening is here to teach us to grow in love for ourselves and trust and faith in the universes all-encompassing love for us forever.
Another way codependency can show up is through a common trait in empaths of intuitively attuning to those around them in order to read the energy of the room. This is a beautiful gift when we are aware of it and it is helpful. However, sometimes this is unconsciously a defense mechanism designed to keep us safe. The more conscious we can become of when this is happening, the more we can let it go when it is not necessary in order to more effectively tune into our own inner truth. In order to connect to ourselves and our unique inner wisdom, it is essential for empaths to take breaks from feeling others in order to build the practice of connecting to their personal intuition.
The more self-love is involved in the quiet practice of connecting to their intuition the more effective the process will be. The more confident in this process empaths become through time and practice, the easier it is to connect to their inner wisdom and make the best decisions for the evolution of their soul, independent of the opinions of others.
Codependent patterns of depending on others to help us make all of our decisions will often lead us astray from our soul’s path. Other people’s projections, conscious or not, are not generally aligned 100% with our own. It is so important to get clear on our own guidance in order to evolve in the perfect way for us.
Codependency often looks like “helping” or “fixing” people around us as well. Often empaths care so much, and feel so deeply, and can connect with the soul truth of another in their life that hasn’t yet connected to their own truth. They can try to help that person: achieve a goal, not feel depressed, be more compassionate, etc. While this seems to be a loving act, it is actually controlling and does not help the person to find their own way to grow into these awarenesses in the best way for them.
Empaths and old souls can see and feel what would help someone grow into a new level of consciousness. It is never our job to make someone do these things however. This is a defense mechanism that is often used by sensitive people to deflect from their own growth into their power. If we are focused on helping everyone else evolve we don’t have time for our own growth which is truly our priority.
It is also stressful for those in our lives that we are trying to “help”. They are generally just fine with the level of conscious awareness they are in, and if and when they want to grow they will. While it feels stressful to the empath to be around someone who is not doing their inner work in order to evolve, it is also stressful and annoying for the other person to be reminded all the time of that inner work. On some level they know what to do, and when they are ready they will. It’s not our job to help others grow, it is our job to continue our own growth in order to be the light to inspire others rather than make them do their work.
When you start to be annoyed or frustrated at someone, that’s usually sign of unconscious codependency. Only if we are too attached to the outcome of someone changing do we become annoyed or frustrated with someone.
When we are able to have patience and faith, and trust that all is well and everyone is a powerful soul evolving at the perfect pace, we are able to detach from a specific outcome. Who are we to think we know better than someone else what is in their best interest? It is a trick of the ego to keep us away from our own internal work, and focused on changing someone else.
It never creates authentic and lasting happiness for ourselves, either. It is a temporary hit to the ego, a feeling that it has some control. We never really have control over anything, which is a very freeing awareness to integrate. When we release control over any outcome especially related to another person and their choices, we are helping both parties to evolve. When we try to control, help, fix, or judge, we limit both people’s potential growth and expansion.
The Universe knows much better than us what is in ours and everyone around us highest good, and is surrounding us and trying to help and love us all the time. When we can release into this understanding and stop trying to act like we know better, we manifest beyond our wildest imaginations.
Some practical ways to work on releasing outcome and codependency are:
- Practice awareness of triggers to react in a habitual codependent way, common ones are: not knowing how to make your own decisions, having expectations of those in our lives, feeling disappointed in relationships, or trying to help or fix other people’s problems.
- When feeling triggered, like you just have to help someone, or someone has to prove to you how much they love you, or you just can’t make a decision: stop, place your right hand over your heart, take 10 slow deep breaths, breathing love into your heart from the universe. This triggers a release of the love chemical oxytocin and reminds you how much the universe is always loving you.
- Re-evaluate your next action. Instead of making the codependent choice, choose to respond differently. Let them figure their own problem out. Put the cap back on the toothpaste yourself instead of pouting or yelling at them about it. Remind yourself with any decision you make “only good will come from this.” Continue loving yourself along the way.
- Congratulate yourself on your progress! It is a common message to be imprinted in childhood with: we should depend on others for our happiness. Forgive yourself for having the habit of codependency and celebrate the times you are changing the pattern! The more positively we feel towards ourselves the less we feel the need to depend on others to change, to love us the “right” way, or to make our decisions for us.
You are so adored by the universe, find ways to remind yourself of that instead of waiting for the external world to praise you. Codepency is just another aspect of human life that is a gift to help us grow in our awareness and evolve our consciousness. Every time we notice the tendency, it is an opportunity to shift our vibration, remind ourselves how much we love ourselves and are loved, and trust that the universe is always right on time.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant
I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.
