Sometimes conversations go around and around. Each person not listening to the other and just trying to prove their own point. You can feel when this is happening, it’s frustrating, it feels pointless, and it drains your energy.
There are lots of reasons we get stuck in these communication dynamics, and it’s super common. Most of us weren’t taught how to communicate effectively and have so much old wounding and unconscious patterning that gets in the way of us seeing, hearing and understanding each other.
It’s important to remain present in conversations to feel when your nervous system 
gets activated, and help it return to a calm and responsive state again. It’s much easier to communicate the way you want when your body is in the parasympathetic aspect of your nervous system, rather than in the stress response state.
When the threat response system in your body is activated, you will feel anxious, frustrated, angry, defensive, etc. This is all just fear. It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you, but generally in a conversation this is not necessary or helpful, and it just gets in the way of you being present.
That’s why it’s essential to keep your body in a peaceful high vibration state, so that you can respond in the way that authentically feels good to you, not out of fear.
When you and whoever you are in a relationship with, whether it’s a friend, partner, family member, or coworker, can see each other as flawed humans just trying to do your best, things flow so much more smoothly.
Miscommunication can get in the way of really beautiful and loving relationships, and just some small tweaks can help so much:
1. Checking In:
Check in with your body before and during a conversation.
Ask yourself: “how am I feeling?”
If you notice tightness, or frustration, or defensive, wiggle your toes and remind yourself “I am here, I am safe, this is now.”
This brings you back to the moment, and out of your fear response.
2. Empathy:
Always consciously remind yourself that you and others are doing their best, from the level of consciousness they are in at the time.
Ask yourself: “How is this person a reflection of me?”
This reminds your energy system that we are all one, and the other person is a spark of the divine, here to help you evolve.
When we can remember that no one is “out to get us” and even if they are, it’s about their wounding, we are able to feel safer in our bodies and our nervous system stays regulated.
3. Curiosity:
Curiosity is a very friendly energy. This can be used in conversation both with yourself and the other person, to reduce the fear response.
Ask yourself: “Am I really under attack in this conversation or is there another way to look at it?”
Ask the other person: “Tell me more, I would love to understand.”
When we approach both ourselves and the other person with curiosity it helps our nervous system relax and our energy expand.
4. Validation:
This is such an important (and easy) way to keep conversations feeling good, but one I hear missing so much of the time.
Just like curiosity, this is so important for both you and the other person to feel to stay calm and present in the conversation.
Before responding to the other person, say: “I hear you, that makes sense, I understand, that sounds hard, etc…”
If you feel anxious, tell yourself: “I hear you, that makes sense, I understand, that sounds hard, etc.”
When we feel heard and validated, our nervous system stays calm, and we can connect with and hear the other person.
Even if you feel triggered and defensive, expressing validation for another person helps to calm you down as well! This triggers a release of serotonin and oxytocin, helping you feel calmer and more connected.
I hope this helps, the more of us can stay calm and connected in our conversations, the more we are able to spread light and love into the world.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
