Have you ever felt overwhelmed by obligations and people in your life always needing or wanting things from you? Are you in relationships with people who don’t respect your personal space or listen to what you are telling them? This can include all people. Even those relationships you feel are an obligation that you can do nothing to change, such as children or parents.
One of the secret ingredients to individual well-being and healthy relationships over all is boundaries. You may have heard of this word, and may have even started to contemplate how this plays a role in your own life.
Some ways to tell if you need to set some firmer boundaries in your life are:
- Do you often feel overwhelmed due to the people in your life?
- Do you feel too guilty to say no to people in your life?
- Do you feel annoyed or frustrated in relationships you have?
- Do you prioritize other people over taking care of yourself?
If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you definitely need to take a look at the boundaries you have with the people in your life.
In healthy relationships we are differentiated from each other energetically. This means we know that we are separate from each other emotionally. The other person’s feelings don’t dictate how you feel or behave.
Boundaries help relationships stay healthy. Without boundaries in relationships people tend to become emotionally enmeshed. This means we feel guilty when another person has feelings, and we feel responsible to take care of them emotionally. Ideally, we are in charge of maintaining our own positive emotional state and allowing the other person to take care of their own emotions.
When we are able to set healthy boundaries in relationships it really benefits everyone involved. Even if it is uncomfortable in the beginning, for you and the other people, you living your own truth allows the other people in your life to evolve consciously as well.
If we allow others to depend too much on us, they never get the opportunity to develop the skills they need to grow. This is so important for the collective evolution of the planet.
I know it doesn’t feel easy though. It can feel like you’re being mean and they might not like it and get upset with you. I know this is really uncomfortable. However, the alternative is you staying small and unhappy. If you continue to sacrifice yourself too much in service of other people you aren’t allowing yourself to grow and shine that beautiful light you have inside of you in order to help others.
Some of the examples that often come up for me when working with clients on their boundaries are parenting children, and relationships with parents. These are important and necessary places to be honoring yourself and investigating where boundaries would be helpful for you.
Boundaries in parenting:
- Some examples of setting boundaries in parenting to benefit all involved are:
- Letting your children know that you as a human also have needs. Of course your children’s needs are important. And especially when they are very young they do not and should not understand the concept that their parents are people too. As they get older however, it is very important to let them know that you are a person that needs things too.
- For example, letting them know that mamma needs to take care of herself too. If it’s time for you to meditate, it’s really ok to make sure they are safe and taken care of, and then let them know that you are going to take 15 minutes for yourself to help yourself be the best mom you can be.
- It’s also important to let your children know that you believe in them, and they are capable. Letting them do more for themselves, both allows them to believe in themselves as well as allowing you to feel less overwhelmed. It’s a win win!
- Empaths often tend to worry too much about our children, which doesn’t help them. Reminding yourself and them often that they are doing great and are on the right track will help all of you relax and settle in to new boundaries in the relationship.
Boundaries with your parents:
- I hear about this a lot in my office. “I have to talk to my mom every day or she gets mad” “My mom comes over all the time, I don’t want her to but I can’t tell her no, she’s my mom!” “My dad is mean and negative, but he’ll never change.”
- We are sometimes raised with the belief that no matter what, we need to be loyal to our parents and sacrifice ourselves for whatever they want. This is not always true or helpful.
- Just because people are parents, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are thoughtful, or conscious, or understanding, or kind. And even if they are all of those things, as adults, it’s healthy for us to develop a sense of ourselves outside of what our parents think.
- If you don’t want to call your mom every day…..it’s ok! It’s ok to tell her that you want to space things out a little bit. Even if she is sad or mad, again it’s healthy for both of you. You can have more time, and depend less on your mom, she can find other places to find support and connection.
- If you don’t want your mom to come over every day, tell her! You can do this with love and compassion, but if you don’t you will continue feeling resentful and that is not healthy for the relationship. Let her know how you feel with curiosity and empathy, and suggest solutions that would work better for you.
- If a parent is negative or mean, tell them how it makes you feel and ask them to stop. If they have a difficult time with this, continue reminding them as you set more boundaries around the communication you have with them.
This helps everyone involved. When you bring something new to someone’s awareness, even if they are resistant or defensive at first, it can plant a seed in their consciousness for the future. If no one ever lets them know how their behavior is impacting them they will never get the opportunity to grow and evolve.
While I have used the examples of parenting and adult parent child relationships here, boundaries are important to consider in all of your relationships.
In order to continue moving forward in your life, it’s important to tune in to how you feel in your relationships and where and with whom you need to set boundaries. If you don’t, it will get in the way of you continuing to expand into your magnificent potential. And that doesn’t help anyone!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant
I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.
