Mindful communication is important when dealing with anxiety, as we talked about last week. It’s when we aren’t mindful that anxiety has the chance to come in and get in the way of us showing up in an engaged and empowered way.
When feeling anxious, it can sometimes be because you are not familiar with the person who you are talking to. It can also come up when it is an especially important conversation for you, and when the person you are engaging with has a difficult or intimidating personality. In my last post, I went over some ways to stay present in these scenarios.
Some other times that mindfulness in communication is very important is when we are not present and reacting habitually with the people in our lives that we are with more frequently. This can be members of your family of origin (parents and siblings), partners and children, as well as others in our lives.
The communication styles that were modeled for us as children are unconsciously programmed into our psyches. We tend to recreate these styles of communicating into our adult relationships as well until we become aware of them and then are able to consciously make different choices that are more healthy and productive.
There are generalized practices of mindfulness that are important when entering into any conversation. Creating a mindfulness practice overall in your life will help all of your interactions. The more mindful you are in general of your own feelings and triggers in your body, the easier it is to be aware of them when you tend to be more emotionally heightened in conversation.
Specifically, there are some ways to stay present in conversations where you are not necessarily anxious, but still not present and sometimes not communicating in ways that are in alignment with who you are.
1. Family of Origin, parents and siblings:
This can be one of the more difficult relationships in which to stay mindful. A quote that I love is: “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family,” this is so true! We all tend to be more triggered into old patterns with them.
Our family of origin is the place where our communication patterns were born, and so, of course, it can be difficult to do things differently with these people.
One of the ways to bring more awareness to these patterns, if you haven’t already is to reflect on what they are. Bringing consciousness to the pattern and your part in it, is important in order to be mindful in conversations with not only them but the other people in your life.
When you are able to make shifts in these patterns in your family, it can ripple out to the other relationships in your life.
Once you have created more awareness of the patterns in your family (if you need help with this, therapy is a great place to start!) It is time to take responsibility for your part and start showing up more consciously.
For example, if you become aware that your mom is controlling and likes to tell you how to run your life, it is up to you to begin noticing, with mindful awareness, how this feels in your body when this starts happening.
Once you gain awareness of this, it’s time to set a boundary with her by talking to her less frequently, especially about issues she will have an opinion about. When she does express her opinion, you get to set a boundary with love and compassion “Mom, I have made my decision, thank you for your opinion but I don’t want to discuss it anymore” for example.
If you are the one in the family that becomes conscious first, it is your job to show up with that consciousness even if the other members in your family haven’t gotten there yet.
You don’t get to “dumb down” your awareness anymore, or meet them at their level. It just won’t work, and it’s not helpful for anyone. As you grow in your mindful awareness, you get to be a light of change in the family, planting seeds and being an example of a more enlightened and aware way of communicating and being in the world.
2. Partners and children:
Not surprisingly, if we have not gone through the process of understanding and healing the communication patterns we grew up with, we tend to recreate these in our own families and partnerships as adults.
Again, the biggest key here is reflecting on what your responsibility is and how your own communication is either helpful or not.
One of the patterns I tend to see is sometimes people can be more reactive and short with the people they love and live with than they would ever be with anyone else.
This can be for many reasons, but it is always possible to change. Practicing mindfulness in communication with your family is so important for a healthy and connected partnership as well as parenting mindful children.
When trying to change a pattern of reactivity in your family, a first place to start (along with a daily mindfulness practice of course!) is to begin practicing more awareness of when this feeling gets triggered for you.
What does it feel like in your body? Our body is so smart, and it can be the first messenger that our fight or flight response has been triggered. Once this happens, it becomes much more difficult to be mindful without taking a break to let our bodies relax into the parasympathetic response again.
So, the sooner you can notice and intervene in this pattern, the easier it is to stay calm and mindful in communication.
Once you start to become more aware of your triggers, you can intervene when you notice feeling escalated by:
- Taking 5 mindful breaths, breathing in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 6
- Placing your hand on your heart and imagine breathing in loving energy and breathing out stress until you feel calmer
- Once your body is calmer, begin thinking about things you can appreciate, starting with anything you can think of and when you are able switching the appreciation thoughts to the person you are talking to.
Love and appreciation shuts down the fight or flight response and turns on the parasympathetic system in our body that helps us feel calm, rational and at peace. It is physically impossible to stay angry and reactive when feeling love and gratitude.
Of course, other relationships can benefit when practicing mindful communication. Starting these practices with family members can make it even easier to shift things with friends, coworkers or other people in our lives as well.
These techniques and others, when practiced consistently really do work. They really do change how you feel and change your relationships. They really do help continue the massive awakening underway on the planet.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant
I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.
