It can be hard to know how to have hard conversations. Much of my work with clients is around having conversations that they are worried about, whether it’s with a coworker, spouse, friend or family member.
Many of my clients spend a long time thinking about the issue they need to bring up, but are nervous to do so for a variety of reasons.
For example, a manager in an organization needs to break some bad news to an employee about their performance. Even though this is a common occurrence, it is still uncomfortable to disappoint someone.
Or, a mother and wife is doing the majority of the housework, childcare, and household management and is frustrated. She wants to discuss it with her husband but is nervous about it not going well.
There are so many examples of these types of conversations, and there are a few simple tips to keep in mind when going into them.
- How do you want them to feel?:
Take some time to check in with yourself and the intent of the conversation as well as understanding how you want the other person to feel.
Remind yourself that we are all one. We are all connected and made of the same energetic particles. Our energy impacts each other.
Your intent, and your energy going into the conversation will make all the difference in how the conversation will go.
For example, in the manager situation, consider how you want your employee to feel during and after the conversation. Do you want them to walk away angry or disappointed? Or instead, feeling heard, validated and understood?
Practice holding the energy and intent of helping whoever you are talking to to feel connected and better than they felt before the conversation.
They will pick up on that energy through your mirror neurons, and the interaction has a much better chance of feeling good to all involved.
- Visualize it going well:
Before the conversation, take some time and space to create a feeling visualization of the conversation going really well.
Spend some time creating a mental image and feeling of it going smoothly, everyone feeling connected, and a beautiful outcome happening.
Our thoughts and words are our wands. Worrying about the future creates fear and a negative outcome before, during, and after the conversation.
We are always creating our reality, so instead of fear, focus on the feeling of what you want. A connected, collaborative, positive conversation!
- Assume positive intent:
It can be real easy to assume someone is out to get us. That the employee isn’t doing their job well on purpose, or your husband is not putting his dishes away because he doesn’t love you.
The thing is, everyone is fighting an invisible battle we can’t see, and when people know better, they do better.
Assume everyone is doing their best, and they are not out to get you, they are just trying to get their own needs met.
This helps you to feel happier and calmer going into the conversation, and to be able to have more access to positive energy during the conversation as well.
When we don’t assume positive intent, we naturally trigger the fight or flight response in our body because we are feeling attacked. This makes it impossible to have a productive conversation and to have the desired outcome.
The person who are talking to will feel your fear as anger, their mirror neurons pick up on it, their fight or flight response gets triggered as well, and then it’s two people with only half of their brains functioning trying to have a conversation, it doesn’t work!
- Curiosity:
Being open and curious is super important in conversations.
Ask what their experience is, how they feel, and what they want, without reacting in a negative way.
Practice being non-judgmental, notice when you get triggered to defend yourself, and instead come back each time to asking questions to gain understanding.
The more open and vulnerable you can be, while assuming positive intent and focusing on maintaining a positive connection, the better it will feel for both of you.
- Empathy:
Express empathy and validate the concerns of who you are talking to.
For example, in the case of the wife needing to ask her husband for more help, rather than telling him what do do, follow the above steps.
After assessing her intent in how she wants her husband to feel (connected, validated, respected, energized, etc…) she is spending time before hand feeling and visualizing how she wants it to go (peacefully, light heartedly, both people smiling and feeling heard.)
She assumes positive intent by reminding herself that her husband works hard and hasn’t been helping more because she hasn’t asked him to yet, not because he doesn’t love her. He loves her and wants the best for her and the whole family.
She then begins the conversation with openness and curiosity, “Hey sweetie, I love you so much. I know how hard you work, and I have so much appreciation for you. I just wanted to check in about how you feel things are going around the house?”
She then lets him talk about his feelings, not interrupting or defending herself, just continuing to ask questions to understand him. “Tell me more.”
As she uncovers more information about his feelings, she is able to feel and express empathy for his perspective “That sounds hard.”
As he feels heard, he remains calm, and she is then able to compassionately express her own needs. They are both calm, and working toward a common goal instead of building resentment (her) or being oblivious to the problem (him). The couple can then go on to discuss and negotiate solutions to the issue
The best way to be understood is to practice understanding. Just spending a little time creating mindfulness about the way you want the conversation to feel will make all the difference. Have fun connecting in your conversations!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
