We’re all just like little kids walking around in adult bodies. This is especially true for those of us who haven’t done the inner work necessary to bring awareness to the unhealed parts of us that are running our lives.
Our experiences growing up in our family of origin dictates so much of the way we feel and interact in our lives as adults.
This shows up in so many different ways, unique to the individual. For example, if we felt disempowered as a child, we may have 
difficulty finding or expressing our power as adults.
When I work with clients, we don’t usually spend too much time uncovering the origins of these patterns, but we never skip over this part. It’s so important to identify some of the roots of behavior and feelings in order to be able to create the awareness we need to shift the things that are no longer serving us.
If you’re reading this, you probably have some level of awareness of how your childhood impacts you today. If you are unaware, or are under the impression that your family of origin doesn’t have any effect on who you are now, I would encourage you to do some internal investigation around this.
I find many people with “good” childhoods, meaning no poverty, abuse, addiction, etc., have an especially hard time sometimes wanting to go back and look at their childhood. There is often a deep sense of loyalty, which is beautiful and normal, to their parents, and it can feel like blaming to go back and try to understand how the interactions may have impacted them.
It is not blaming, it’s just understanding. No person alive goes through their growing up years un-impacted by their family. It’s just the way it is, and it’s a beautiful thing! If we don’t go through the process of unpacking this, it will unconsciously keep controlling you and your life.
Some examples of this that I have seen are a son who is still scared to stand up to his mother, and this feeling expands into his other relationships and life as well.
He wasn’t listened to growing up. He would speak and not be heard. He would speak and be shamed or punished. He learned to stay quiet.
He learned as a child that his feelings and needs don’t matter. That he as a person isn’t important and he should just be quiet and a “good boy”.
As he has learned to step into his power as a man, and understand that he always has been worthy, he can see his child self differently. He is able to understand that he didn’t feel empowered as a boy, but that there was nothing wrong with him. He understands that his mother didn’t have the tools she needed to empower her son, and he can feel compassion and empathy for both of them.
As he has become more aware of the deep impact this relationship has had on his life, he is beginning to set different boundaries, ask for what he needs, and speak his truth more. As he does this in all the relationships in his life, including with his mom, he begins to feel more empowered. This is how the pattern shifts.
Another example is a woman who was told growing up that her feelings were “too much”. That her emotional expression should be held in because it made the rest of the family uncomfortable. That her anger was “crazy”, and she should not feel the way she did.
She was shamed for her sensitivity. She was so deeply empathic and was made to feel that it was a problem, not a gift. She learned to retreat, to shut down, to hide her feelings.
This led to feelings of anxiety and depression and exacerbated some underlying health issues that greatly impacted her life and functioning.
As she has learned to understand and accept her gifts as an empath and sensitive person, she has been able to look back at her childhood through a different lens. She used to judge herself as well for being too emotional as a child. She now understands the little girl she was then as a beautiful, sensitive, empathic soul who wasn’t given the freedom or words to express her feelings.
As we shine lights onto any of these areas that no longer serve us, we are able to create change. By understanding our patterns, it allows us to change them.
As we become activated in the present, if we can have an understanding of why we are triggered, it helps us to pause before reacting, and respond in a different way.
We get to reparent the parts of ourselves that didn’t get what they needed growing up. We all chose all of this, including our flawed parents, to learn and grow. I encourage you to lovingly work on understanding how her past impacts how you feel now, and to reach out for support if you need help in this.
The more we understand where we came from, the more expansive and powerful we can be in the future. Don’t let your past unconsciously hold you back from your gifts in the future!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
