“It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.” – Barack Obama
It’s hard to communicate sometimes. Especially if we are overwhelmed, or resentful, or tired, or hungry, etc.… It can be real easy to slip into snapping at people, or being short, or just silently stewing in the silent treatment…that’ll show ‘em!
It can feel annoying and frustrating to keep trying to have the same conversation, and nothing ever changes! I hear this a lot in my office, whether it’s a spouse, or a child, or a coworker, it’s so common to have difficulties communicating effectively.
When you become short, or snap at people, it’s a sign that something’s out of alignment for you. Maybe you are giving too much, and not taking good care of yourself, this is very common. Or you’re not feeling appreciated or acknowledged for all you do for others.
When you feel this way, it can come out in trying to control the other person, or not listening or validating their feelings. It can also lead to shutting down and not communicating your needs because they won’t “get it” or giving them the silent treatment to “punish” them, which never ever works!
Examples of a lack of love communication:
“You always”
“You never”
“You should”
“Calm down”
“That’s no big deal”
Giving the silent treatment
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re really not
It’s really easy to point at the other person and blame them for the problem. And, yes, sometimes there are people in our lives that are difficult to communicate with. It’s still always more about us changing our energy than anything the other person is doing.
They are a teacher for you. Anything they trigger in you is a beautiful highlighter to show you where there are still some wounds to be healed or needs not being met. It is an opportunity for you to slow down, check in, love on yourself, and get back to a state of love and appreciation for them as well.
It may sound crazy to think of feeling love and appreciation for everyone, including your manager or a customer service representative that you’ve been on hold with for 47 minutes, but that is exactly what I am inviting you to do.
Guess what, they are you and you are them. We are all one, and separation is an illusion. The more you can stay in this space, and remember it, the more compassion you can have in your communication with them, whoever they are.
Focusing on love an appreciation, rather than separation, anger, resentment and frustration, helps communication flow more smoothly.
Love and appreciation are the secret sauce to effective communication.
Whether it’s at work, at home, or with friends, sprinkling love and appreciation throughout all of your interactions not only heightens your own energy, but this magnetic energy ripples out to those you are communicating with.
This helps them hear you and understand you better. It helps compromises and negotiations flow more easily, employees to feel more motivated, and managers to put down their own defenses and support you. It helps spouses feel more connected, and children feel more loved.
It helps you feel more energized and alive, as this love is your natural state, you were born to communicate this way, you just forget sometimes because you’re human, and that’s ok.
Examples of loving communication:
“How are you?”
“I appreciate you”
“I love the way you ____”
“Would you be willing to?”
“Tell me more”
“That must be hard”
“How can I best support you?”
Some simple ways to make sure you are staying in appreciation with your communication are:
1. Pay Attention to the Signs:
Start creating awareness to times or people that trigger a lack of appreciation in your communication.
There may be certain people or situations that make you feel more frustrated or resentful which get in the way of empathetic and compassionate communication.
2. Make Sure Your Needs are Met!:
When our needs aren’t met we can’t meet others with empathy.
It is your responsibility to take good care of yourself, and fill yourself with love and self-compassion so that you can give that to others in your life as well.
3. Communicate Your Appreciation for Yourself:
Create a kind and loving dialogue with yourself consistently.
This raises your vibration and gives you practice on communicating appreciation to others.
When your energy expands with the frequency of love, it’s easy to be kind and generous with others in your life.
4. Focus on What You Love about Them:
Before you are going to communicate with someone, especially if it has been challenging in the past, focus on what you love about them.
If your toddler (or teenager)! has created another mess, pause, put your hand on your heart, and conjure up a sweet memory of something you appreciate about them. The time you first held them in your arms, or when she brought you a flower as a present when she was 2.
Holding onto that energy before you communicate with them will create a beautiful container of loving communication.
5. Pour on the Love!
When we can see and point out someone’s gifts, we allow them to step into them more fully as well.
Pointing out specific things that you appreciate about your child, your boss, your employee or your spouse will always enhance your communication with them, and increase the effectiveness of your conversation as well!
For your spouse, instead of:
“Why can’t you ever support me!?”
Try:
“I love you so much, and I know how much you love me. I appreciate everything you do for me and our family. I have been feeling overwhelmed, and would love to collaborate with you to find solutions for this together.”
For an employee you are trying to motivate, instead of:
“I need this project handled by the 31st”
Try:
“I appreciate the attention to detail you paid on that last project, and I’m looking forward to see you succeed on this next one as well.”
For your child, instead of:
“Just do your chores!”
Try:
“Thank you for walking the dog yesterday, you made her so happy! Will you please do that again this afternoon?”
The more you can practice, the easier and less awkward it becomes. It feels good to all involved, and it helps you get what you want too, it’s a win win!
Have fun practicing your appreciative communication!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
