Are You Talking About Someone Instead of Talking to Them

Sometimes it feels so much easier to vent to your best friend, or your sister, or your therapist about someone in your life that is annoying you than to actually address it with that person.

There are plenty of valid reasons to talk to other people instead of directly discussing it with the person involved, like getting support, getting another perspective, or just venting your feelings.

There are also lots of times when we are just avoiding dealing with something directly, avoiding conflict, and not living authentically in our relationships.

How can we tell the difference? How do you know when you are getting support, or just avoiding a conversation that you really need to have?

Here are some ways to tell when you need to talk to the person directly instead of just talking about them to someone else:

1. How Long Have You Been “Venting” About Them?:

If you have been calling your bestie every single day for a year to vent about your husband, you may be avoiding a problem.

That is way too long to deal with a situation that you haven’t even tried to address with the person you need to discuss it with.

2. Do They Know There is a Problem?:

In this scenario, if the person you are talking about isn’t aware that you have an issue with them, but you are talking nonstop about it to other people, you are probably avoiding a conversation with them.

You may think it’s sooo obvious, and of course they should know that there’s an issue, but very often, if you haven’t expressed it to them, they don’t know. And it’s not their job to read your mind.

3. Do You Feel Nervous About Talking to Them About it?:

If you feel scared or nervous about bringing something up to someone, it can be a sign that it is actually really important for your soul’s growth to talk about it with them.

Some questions to ask yourself to find out if you are talking about someone when you should be talking to them are:

1. Why is This Important to Me?

When you are calling your best friend every day to talk about your husband, what are you talking about?

Practice some journaling after these phone calls, ask yourself “Please express to me whatever’s in my highest good about partnership” and then see what comes up.

It may be that you are feeling lonely, and just need more affection and connection in your relationship. You may feel the need for mor support with household duties. Or you may be gaining the clarity that you need more space in your partnership.

There are so many reasons that you may be venting, it’s so important to get clear with yourself on what needs are not being met first, before you try to bring the conversation up with the person you really need to talk to.

2. Why am I Resistant to Bring it Up?

There are lots of valid reasons to not bring things up directly, it’s important to understand why you are avoiding the conversation.

Ask yourself, “What am I scared of?”

It hard to break through your pattern of resistance if you’re not clear on what you think you’re protecting yourself from.

With your husband, if you need more space for example, you may be worried that it would hurt his feelings, so you’d rather just suffer in silence.

3. What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen?

Ask yourself, “If I have this conversation, what is the worst case scenario?”

If you’re worried about your husband’s feelings being hurt, for example, is the worst thing that could happen him giving you the silent treatment for the day? Or yelling at you? Or leaving you?

It sounds silly, but our brains are trying to protect us, and often without us even realizing it, they go to our worst fear of being left, for example, even when that would never actually happen.

Some ways to shift from talking about someone instead of talking to them are:

1. Call Yourself Out to Your Support Person:

Let your bestie or therapist know that while you appreciate their support, you also want to start speaking to people directly instead of about them a little more.

You can still talk to your support people before or after, but just not instead of having the conversation you really need to have.

2. Challenge Your Fear:

Talk back to those fears you identified above.

Instead of, “I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings, so I’ll vent and complain to my best friend about how clingy he is instead of making a clear request for a little alone time”

Try: “My feelings and needs are just as valid as his. He wants me to be happy too, and to create an authentically healthy relationship I need to communicate my needs clearly and directly.”

3. Be Proud of Yourself:

It’s hard to break these patterns! You have probably been avoiding hard conversations since you were little, so throw a little party for yourself for working on it!

It doesn’t have to be perfect, and baby steps are ok, you can do it, and you are evolving every time you challenge your fear!