When you’re stuck in a victim mentality, you’re often not aware it’s happening. Instead, it usually feels like you’re alone, like you are the only one that can understand your pain, no matter how hard you try to explain it to other people.
You tend to defend yourself fiercely, of course, if you feel isolated and misunderstood, this is an 
understandable response. You shut down or lash out if people try to call you out on this, and justify your feelings that someone or something else is at fault for your problems.
I have of course felt this way, as have most people. It’s easy to fall into this when the world is hard sometimes, and people are mean, and there are real problems to deal with.
It is generally unconscious. Most people who are stuck in victim consciousness are not aware of this. They believe that something external is creating pain for them, and it can be very difficult to convince them otherwise!
I see this often in relationships, and I can relate to this! Before I got a divorce 15 years ago, I spent more than a year complaining to my therapist about my ex-husband. Everything was his fault.
As she patiently listened and validated my feelings over and over, and gently guided me to looking at my responsibility as well, I started to realize that I was not a victim. I had an equal role in the problem, and it was my job to do something to change things!
We are in charge of looking at our part in any situation, and remembering that we are powerful co-creators of our reality!
Here are some signs to notice that you may be slipping into a victim mindset, and ways to shift out of it:
1. You Repeatedly Complain About Something/Someone:
If you are noticing a pattern of complaining about the same person or problem repeatedly, without anything changing, you may be in a victim mentality.
For example, instead of saying “Why can’t my wife just clean up her dishes?”
Ask yourself “How can I communicate with my wife about a more equal way to share our household duties?”
This shifts the focus back to empowering yourself to create the changes you need in your life.
2. You Say “No One Understands”:
If you are stuck in a feeling of your life or problem being so bad and no one ever understanding you, it may be because you have an unhelpful way of thinking about the problem.
For example, instead of saying “Why doesn’t he understand? I just need him to show me he loves me more”
Try asking yourself “How can I look for the ways he shows me he loves me, because I know he does.”
Shifting to appreciation, and looking for what’s going well is a quick way to shift out of victim consciousness.
3. You Become Defensive When Asked About Your Role:
Another sign you may be unconsciously in a victim mindset is becoming defensive about your part in the situation.
For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Ask yourself “What is my contribution to this situation.”
We always have a part to play, and some inner self-reflection can help break down the defensiveness. Bring in some kindness and nurture yourself, it can be hard and scary sometimes to try to look inwards and realize your part in a problem, so be gentle with yourself!
4. You Feel Powerless:
There are times and situations that feel hopeless and that is real. Often, however we feel powerless when we are really not. We usually have more power than we think we do to change things in our lives.
For example, instead of saying “I’m exhausted, but there’s nothing I can do about my workload, it is what it is.”
Ask yourself “What are some small boundaries I can make at work so that I can feel more empowered?”
Reflecting back on yourself and the changes you can make to take better care of yourself will remind your energy system of your power, and naturally increase your energy!
5. You Think Others are Purposely Out to Get You:
This can feel very true, and in some cases it actually is. Much of the time, however, people are just living their own lives, thinking about themselves, not at all trying to victimize you.
For example, instead of “Why doesn’t my dad just get it? He is so close minded, if he loved me he would understand!”
Instead, try “My dad is doing his best, just like everyone else. He has old patterns and wounds, and I’m going to do my best to set appropriate boundaries and appreciate him for who he is.”
“We’re all just walking each other home” as Ram Dass says. We are all just doing our best, and the more we can stay in that energy, the easier it is to get out of feeling victimized.
Every person, interaction, and situation is here to teach us to evolve in our consciousness, to increase our compassion and understanding of ourselves and others.
You are an empowered piece of the Universe, capable of living your truth, feeling empowered, and creating the life that you want.
Be kind to yourself as you transition from victim, to empowerment, it feels so much better on the other side!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
