“It’s so hard to say how I feel in the moment!” This is such a common experience that I hear all the time from clients.
There are many reasons that it’s difficult to access and express feelings in the moment. For most of my lovely, empathic, sensitive clients, they may be emotionally overwhelmed, or trying not to hurt or disappoint the person they are talking to.
This sensitivity can be an inborn trait, and if they grew up in a family in which it was difficult for any reason to express their feelings, this also has a lasting detrimental impact on being able to say how they feel in the moment.
This can be because their parents were too busy or distracted to be fully present with their feelings, or because the environment was chaotic, or even violent or abusive.
If we are never taught or allowed to be present with our own emotional experience and attuned to by a caregiver, it can be difficult to know how we feel and even harder to say it!
There are some common issues that come up when feelings aren’t expressed in the moment. Feelings tend to build up, leading to anxiety, frustration, resentment, anger, etc. Then the feelings either get held on to, leading to disconnection in relationships, or they may lead to an explosion which is also not a helpful way to communicate.
Some of my clients describe their partners telling them to go to therapy because it’s so hard to communicate with them. It can be really frustrating and annoying for a partner, friend or family member to try to talk to someone who doesn’t say how they feel.
Once my clients start improving in this skill, their relationships also improve, and they feel less anxious and more calm and connected.
Some ways to practice saying how you feel in the moment are:
1. Spend Some Time Connecting With Yourself:
In order to say how you feel, you have to get to know how you feel.
Make sure you have time to self-reflect every day. Especially for empathic sensitive people, alone time is essential to know how you feel.
Take a walk by yourself to check in with how you feel, or wake up a little early to journal about your feelings.
The more clear you are on your true emotions, the easier it is to express them.
2. Understand Your History:
Take a look back and ask yourself:
“Were my feelings validated when I was growing up?”
“Did I feel safe to express how I felt?”
“How did my caregivers express their feelings?”
Understanding how your past influences your present ability to express your feelings is very important, and it may be helpful to have a therapist help you understand this piece.
When you have a deeper understanding of why you communicate (or don’t) the way you do, it is easier to change the pattern.
3. Practice Mindfulness:
To get ready to start practicing expressing yourself in the moment more, start paying attention to your feelings in the moment both when you are in conversations with someone, and not.
Ask yourself every 30 minutes: “What am I feeling?”
The more you are aware of how you feel all the time, the easier it is to express it when emotions are higher in a conversation.
Pay attention in conversations with others: “When am I shutting down? What are my triggers?”
The more aware you are of your stress response patterns in communication, the easier it is to change them.
Some examples of this can be:
Shutting down when feeling criticized, overwhelmed, or worried about disappointing someone or not being heard.
4. Deconstruct Old Patterns:
Now that you have a better understanding of your feelings, your history, and your feelings in the moment, it’s time to start saying how you feel!
As you become more aware of when you get triggered to shut down in conversations and why, start challenging this old pattern and saying what you really feel instead.
At first it can help to write things down. When emotions are more escalated, the stress response in the body is activated, making it more difficult to access your calm and intuitive feelings, so having some notes nearby especially for a difficult conversation can help.
Instead of listening to the voice of fear that tells you to be quiet because they won’t care anyway, wiggle your toes, take a deep breath and be vulnerable with your true feelings.
It will feel uncomfortable to say how you feel in the moment, but it does get easier!
You will notice your anxiety decreasing, and your relationships generally running more smoothly.
Saying how you feel in the moment doesn’t automatically mean others will agree with you, or like what you’re saying, but that is not the point.
What’s important is you connecting with your truth, and kindly expressing it for the highest good of yourself and all involved.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
