I have so many clients that are way too concerned about what their family thinks. Sometimes this is because they are from a culture that values collectivism, sometimes it’s just because they grew up in an enmeshed family system.
It can be hard to be who you want to be, especially when your family doesn’t agree with that version of you.
How to not care about what your parents (or other family members) think about you:
1. Know Yourself and Your History First:
Without doing self-reflective inner work, you aren’t even going to know who you are, so you won’t be able to stand up for yourself with your family.
Find a therapist, or other ways to go back to understand your patterns so that you can see why you are the way you are, and how your family of origin influences you who are today.
Once you have more of an understanding of why you believe and behave the ways you do, you will gain the confidence to remain aligned with who you truly are.
For example: You may be in college, depressed and exhausted, and not understand why.
You do some reflection and understand that you don’t even want to be in college right now or studying the major that you are.
You realize that you have always tried to be the “good girl” or boy and please your parents, never understanding that by doing so you were never going to know who you truly are.
Once you understand your patterns, you will be able to move to the next steps of setting boundaries and speaking your truth.
Instead of: “I just have to do this, it’s what my parents want.”
Try: “I’m learning what I really want in my life now.”
2. Set Boundaries:
Once you have a better understanding of your family of origin and its patterns, you can have more clarity on where and how to set boundaries with them.
For example, if you have discovered that you are the “good girl” or boy, you most likely don’t have strong boundaries, and over accommodate your family too much.
Some ways to start investigating when and where boundaries would be helpful are paying attention to your energy before, during and after being with your family.
Your energy system will tell you when it’s too much, when to hang up the phone, and when to say, “no thank you, we’ll see you next week instead!”
For example: If you’ve discovered that family dinner at your parents’ house every Sunday drains your energy, it is ok to set a boundary.
Check in with your energy, feel what’s right for you, and express it with love and compassion to your family.
Instead of: “Of course we’ll be there Mom”
Try: “I love our family dinners, Mom, and I am also noticing I would like more time to chill at home on Sundays. I’d like to move to every other Sunday, so that I can keep my cup filled”
If Mom gets upset, it’s ok. In healthy relationships, we respect each other and want the best for each other.
3. Speak Your Truth:
As you understand your history more, your family’s history usually starts to make more sense as well.
For example: Your mom puts a lot of pressure on you to be the best in school and become a successful doctor. As you do your own inner work, you realize that she sacrificed herself, her educational goals, and professional potential to be a stay-at-home mom.
It didn’t really fulfill her, and now her whole identity is wrapped up in you being the most successful doctor in the world. You don’t even want to be a doctor at all!
Understanding the history between the two of you can help to de-escalate conflict.
If you understand the deeper reasons, she is pushing you so hard, you can validate those, rather than staying on the surface and shouting about being a doctor or not.
Instead of: “Why don’t you just understand me, mom?!”
Try: “I understand the sacrifices you made for me mom, and I appreciate it so much. I know how much you want me to be happy and successful, and I want that too. I am changing course, and I would very much appreciate you support.”
Validate the real reason she is pushing you, and you will maintain the love and connection in the relationship without losing who you are.
If everyone always listened to their parents, we wouldn’t have all of the amazing creative innovation we do in the world!
It’s our family’s job to keep us safe, but if that becomes too much fear-based control, it’s your job to break out of that, tune into your own truth, and be who you truly are!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
