It’s so easy to assume people’s intentions based on your own filtered perception. We all have our own unique ways of interpreting others. This is created in childhood, and with consciousness can shift over time.
Our family of origin impacts this filter and influences the way we hear the world. For example, if you were often criticized as a child, you may
tend to feel attacked easily and hear everything as a criticism.
If you were ignored as a child, you may always feel that you are not heard and understood. If you grew up in a chaotic or volatile family system, you may have a hard time staying emotionally regulated in emotional conversations, making it very difficult to correctly interpret communication.
With all these things getting in the way of connecting with each other, it’s no wonder there is so much conflict and misunderstanding.
There are some ways to slow things down, and really understand one another:
1. “The Story I’m Making Up is”:
Using this phrase when you are assuming the worst about the intentions of the person you are speaking to disarms them, diffuses any potential conflict, and increases the feeling of connection.
Brene Brown says it best: “When you say, “the story I’m making up,” Brown says that it conveys “I want you to see me and understand me and hear me and knowing what you really mean is more important to me than being right or self-protecting.”
Instead of: “I feel like you don’t care what I’m saying.”
Try: “The story I’m making up is that you care more about what’s happening on your phone than what I’m saying.”
2. Always be Curious:
It’s easy to assume the worst, and that your perception is the only truth.
This, unfortunately, leads to defensiveness, anger and shutting down on both sides of the conversation.
Curiosity is a much easier and lighter energy, leading to connection and understanding rather than increased conflict.
Instead of: “Why don’t you care enough about me to tell me what’s going on?”
Try: “How does it feel to you when I bring up these conversations? I really want to understand you.”
3. Lead With Love:
Love is the most powerful energy there is. It creates connection, increases our energetic frequency, and pumps up our happy brain and body chemicals.
The better and more loving you feel overall, the easier it is to interpret others communication in a positive way.
Have you noticed if you feel stressed or frustrated, you have more misunderstandings?
Staying in a loving place by taking good care of yourself, speaking kindly to yourself and others, and surrounding yourself with loving people, helps you feel less defensive.
Instead of perceiving other’s words as attacking, you can hear the reality of what they are saying more clearly.
Instead of: “They’re probably mad at me.”
Try: “Everyone is trying their best. I’m going to go on a hike, meditate, speak kindly to myself, and journal, then I will have a different perception of the conversation.”
Your vibration and your perception are your responsibility. Start with yourself, lead with loving curiosity, and remember we’re all in this together and trying our best!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
