“But if I’m not helping her, I’m not being my authentic self” he said. “I don’t want to fake it.” We were having a conversation about the conversations he had with his wife. She was struggling with dissatisfaction in her life and went to him to vent and get support. He was young, driven, successful, and getting a little tired of listening to her sob story over and over. “She’s not doing anything to change! It’s so annoying!” He is ambitious and proactive, if he didn’t like something in his life he would change it, and if it was hard to do, he would work harder. He couldn’t understand why she couldn’t take the action that he did, and it was hard for him to listen to her complain and not take the steps forward that he felt would help her. They were stuck in a cycle of frustration. She didn’t feel heard, and he felt annoyed at her not changing. He knew his pattern of “helping” and “fixing” began in his family of origin. He had to become too responsible too early, and felt it was his job to take care of himself and his younger siblings as well. In his relationship, this pattern looks like him giving her advice, and trying to help her grow and change. He noticed that she didn’t like this and had the realization that it might help to change his approach. He had been trying to give less advice, but it didn’t feel right, like he wasn’t being true to himself. This can be common, when we are working on changing a pattern, it feels uncomfortable, like we aren’t being ourselves. I reminded him that the part of him that feels the need to fix his partner is just his ego and fear. He’s such a compassionate soul, and wants the best for his partner, and when he gets scared, he feels it’s his responsibility to make it better for her, so his nervous system can feel better too. Growing up, he didn’t have much stability, so his nervous system learned to be hyper vigilant, and scan his environment for what is wrong, so that he could keep himself safe. Now, when something is “wrong” with his partner, his nervous system can easily feel this and this fear drives him to try to “fix” what’s wrong. It’s so important to work on changing this pattern, so that he can feel less anxiety when his partner doesn’t change, and so his partner doesn’t feel criticized and unheard in their conversations.
Here are some ways to move from advice to authentic connection in your conversations:
1. Check in With Yourself:
When you feel the urge to give advice, “help”, or “fix” someone’s problem, check in with yourself first. Slow down, wiggle your toes, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “My presence is a blessing. All I have to do is listen and hold space for them. They are strong and capable.” Don’t let your ego get in the way of their evolution.
2. Ask first:
“Would you like me to listen or give suggestions?” And really listen to their answer. Explain to them that you are working on not “helping” as much and just holding space for them. Talk it through and see what works best for them.
3. Curiosity is Key:
Catch yourself when you have the urge to give a suggestion and engage them with curiosity about themselves and their internal experience. Instead of: “Have you tried?” Try: “What do you think about that?”
4. Stop Shoulding all Over Yourself:
Notice when you want to tell them what they “should” do and redirect back to reflective listening and curiosity. Instead of: “You should” Try: “What do you think you should do next?”
5. Remind Them (and Yourself) of Their Strength and Resilience:
Take a deep breath, fill yourself with light, and remind yourself that they are a strong and capable person, fully capable of handling whatever is happening. Instead of: “I’m worried about…” Try: “You’ve got this, you’ve figured out so many hard things in your life before!” Your authentic self knows their authentic self is a powerful soul, fully capable of evolving through whatever is happening in their lives right now. They are going through a beautiful learning opportunity, don’t get in the way by trying to help too much!
