“We don’t talk about feelings in my family” she said. “My parents get uncomfortable when I try to bring things up, so I mostly just don’t.” She said they either get mad, defensive, or just shut down and change the subject, so what’s the use of trying to talk about things with them.
This lack of emotional connection growing up led to her keeping her feelings inside. She learned to shut down her own emotional experiences and live more in her head where it felt safer. She would keep things in, and only sometimes, when really triggered, would her feelings come out in an explosion of tears or frustration.
Her husband didn’t know how to connect with her. When he tried to talk to her about her feelings, she froze. “I can’t say anything in those moments, I don’t know how I feel or how to explain it to him. I’m afraid he’ll get mad or not understand me.” She felt like her feelings were locked inside, and it was way too scary to try to let them out.
She felt disconnected and misunderstood by her parents and overwhelmed by anxiety and grief over recent losses that she didn’t know how to process. They don’t talk about grief in her family either, so she kept it all inside.
This is a story I’ve heard many times before in my practice. It’s so common for vulnerability not to be a thing in families. It’s so common for children to not feel safe or comfortable to be open with their parents about their true feelings.
If we grow up in a family where emotions were not discussed, it leads to us keeping our own feelings inside as well. This can manifest in lots of ways, but this client’s story is a very common way that this can impact relationships.
For her, she ended up shutting down her feelings, and it was making her husband confused and frustrated. He never knew how she felt, and she didn’t know how to tell him. This led to her feeling shame, and them feeling disconnected as a couple.
She felt grief about the loss of her grandparents, but instead of talking about it with her family 
or husband, she kept it inside, and it created feelings of anxiety and sadness. Her husband could see this but had no idea how to help her.
This is when she came to see me. Full of anxiety, sadness, grief, and not knowing how to change.
I have been so impressed with her rapid transformation. While of course we are all always a work in progress, in just a few short months she feels less anxious and sad, and is gaining confidence in expressing her emotions in a vulnerable way. She is happy and surprised and proud of the work she has done so far, and excited to see where she will go from here!
Here’s some ways this client has begun feeling better:
1. Meditation:
One of the first changes she made was beginning to meditate daily, and it has helped her understand how she feels.
We can’t express how we feel if we don’t know how we feel. Meditation helps us to quiet the mind enough to get in touch with our feelings.
We often confuse our thoughts with our feelings, and they are very different.
Thoughts are usually based in fear, while emotions are calm and neutral
2. Creating Awareness of Her Triggers:
Meditation and mindfulness practice have helped her be more mindful of when she shuts down her feelings.
For example, she started noticing that when in a conflict with her husband, if he was standing and she was sitting, she felt more anxious and shut down.
She started asking him to sit down next to her, in a kind and loving way, which decreases her anxiety and helps her be more able to verbalize her feelings.
3. Practice Where She Feels Safe:
She has a safe place in her marriage to practice being more vulnerable.
She has started telling her husband how she feels more proactively, not waiting for him to pull it out of her.
She is beginning to feel safer to be more vulnerable, he is listening to her and supporting her.
This is helping her feel much less anxious. When she talks about how she feels instead of letting it build up inside, she releases the anxiety in her body.
4. Practice Being Vulnerable with Others:
She started feeling more able to be open by practicing with her husband. This led to her opening up to friends more, and then even telling her mom she was in therapy!
Her mom is also beginning to open up emotionally in return, which is another pattern I see often.
When one family member starts opening up, it can help open up the emotional connection with other members of the family as well.
When we start building up the feeling that we will be safe when we are vulnerable, we can begin to practice with others in our lives.
5. Healing Grief:
She has started working on expressing her grief about the grandparents she has lost, even though her parents aren’t ready to do that yet.
She has written a letter expressing her feelings and is opening up and talking about them more with others in her life.
She is more open to feeling their presence in her life and keeping things around to remember the positive memories and not stay stuck in the sadness.
Working through and processing any stuck emotions, including grief, allows us to be more vulnerable.
6. Self-Love:
She has been practicing kindness to herself, and it is helping increase her ability to be vulnerable.
Self-love is a transformational energy.
Many people who have a hard time being vulnerable also could use a big healthy serving of self-love, often.
The kinder we are to ourselves, the easier it is to feel and express our feelings.
Finding safe spaces for healthy vulnerable emotional expression is essential for our continuing evolution of consciousness. Have fun with your practice!
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
