I grew up in a family culture of kindness but mixed with a little snarkiness and sarcasm. This is a defense mechanism, and it can feel easier to stay in that slightly judgmental, a little harsh, protective, feeling.
This is a fairly common dynamic, and I didn’t even realize it was that way until I was in my mid 20’s and went through a spiritual awakening. Before then, it felt normal to me to point out someone’s flaws more easily than their gifts, and to keep things on the surface instead of saying real, vulnerable things. That was considered “cheesy” in my family.
Especially after my parents divorced. My dad was the one that was more like me in some ways. He was more able to be open with his emotions. He would always make everyone cry at wedding toasts and was able to express his feelings vulnerably.
After my parents separated when I was 13, his influence was rarer, and I became more protective and guarded, and my sweet, vulnerable side got covered up again. While I loved hanging out with my mom and sister, and we were kind and loving towards each other as well, I can remember times we would make fun of other people, or just not feel comfortable expressing deep loving feelings towards each other.
As I shifted in my 20’s, I showed up differently in all of my relationships. I was no longer harsh, sarcastic, and guarded. I remembered my 
true self again, that sweet, gentle, vulnerable person that loves to say “cheesy” thing and talk about feelings all the time.
Some people in my family didn’t all the way understand my changes and wouldn’t want to go there with me when I talk about feelings or tried to steer the conversation away from judgment or sarcasm.
It’s taken time, and it’s still a practice for me every day to show up as my true, authentic, super “cheesy” self with some people in my family. I could still have the tendency to shut down when I feel this energy, rather than continue to shine my gentle compassionate light out there.
My dad continues to be there helping me with this from the other side, and I have also attracted a lovely family of choice that loves to be as “cheesy” as me! That’s how it works when you accept yourself as who you really are and begin showing up as that person in the world, you find your people.
Some practical ways to move from protective mode to being more sincere, earnest, vulnerable and honest are:
Check Your Judgment:
Instead of habitually looking for things to complain about or judge, try intentionally looking for things you appreciate about that person.
Instead of: “OMG why would she do her hair like that?”
Try: “She has really kind eyes”
Give Authentic Compliments:
It can be hard to do, if you grew up in a family that didn’t frequently express authentic appreciation, it can feel super awkward to start this. Start small, you can do it!
Instead of saying nothing, or: “Thanks”
Try being specific and vulnerable with a complement: “Thank you so much for the way you took care of me yesterday, it meant a lot to have you hold space and support me.”
Move From Sarcasm to Sweetness:
Some of the reasons people aren’t emotionally vulnerable are that they are worried that others will judge them. While people in your life may not be used to this new way you express yourself, a deep part of them also recognizes that it feels so much better to be kind and real with people and will appreciate it from you.
Instead of slipping back into old sarcastic patterns: “Of course you would do it that way.”
Try: “I notice you doing it the same way again, it would be so helpful to me if we could try it this way instead.”
Being authentic, kind, and vulnerable does not mean being passive aggressive, a doormat, or a pushover.
It means standing in you authentic, empathetic power, and speaking your compassionate truth in a vulnerable way.
It may feel strange at first, but over time you will notice your energy expand and feel so much better. Your relationships will improve, and you will find new people that match this new frequency as well.
Read more about Relationship Issues with Shana Olmstead.
