“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
So many of my clients struggle with allowing themselves to have feelings. They judge themselves for feeling sad, or angry, or frustrated or anxious. They feel like they should just “get over it” or their feelings are “stupid.”
After years of doing this work, those words pop out to me very clearly, and I can see how damaging they are to the person. When we judge ourselves just for having feelings, the feelings get more intense and last longer.
We are trying to do the opposite of course. Negative feelings don’t feel as good, so we just want them to go away! There are so many ways of pushing away, and invalidating our own feelings. We avoid, ignore, judge and ourselves for having feelings that aren’t aligned with how we think we should feel.
Most of the time this comes from not having enough validation growing up. This is a majority of people. Some parents were really good and validating and understanding, but many of them didn’t learn that themselves either, so are not able to give that to their children. This results in them being at risk for invalidating their own internal experience later in life.
Self-invalidation sounds like:
“I shouldn’t feel this way”
“I need to get over it”
“Why am I so _____mad/sad/angry, etc.…”
“This shouldn’t matter so much”
“I need to just…”
“What is my deal?”
Because those with greater self-invalidating thoughts most likely didn’t receive the validation they needed while growing up, they tend to either seek it too much from others in their life (anxious attachment) or pretend they don’t need it at all (avoidant attachment).
Rather than seeking out validation from others, or shutting down this need altogether, learning to validate your own feelings will give you a healthy balance of understanding that validation from others is less important than how accepted and loved you feel from yourself.
While it feels great to receive validation from other people, in life we don’t always get that. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and feeling like nobody “gets you.”
If we are always waiting for someone else to understand us in order to feel ok, or pushing people away to protect ourselves, we give away our power to stay emotionally regulated and in a high positive vibration.
Validating our own feelings doesn’t mean we still don’t need this from others, of course it is always important to have mutually beneficial emotionally intimate relationships. Validating your own feelings means you will be able to stay calmer, happier, and more able to really connect with others in your relationships as well.
Self-Validation sounds like:
“It makes sense that I feel this way”
“Other people in this situation would also feel _____”
“It’s ok to feel anyway I feel”
“Of course I feel this way”
“It’s safe to feel my feelings, they don’t last forever”
Some steps to move from invalidation to self-validation are:
1. Be Present:
Create awareness about what triggers invalidating thoughts for you.
This is unique for everyone, because everyone has a different life story, and perception about their life story, that contributes to what situations trigger their self-judgment and invalidation
When you start to become aware of an invalidating thought, pay attention to what triggered it so that you can make sense of your patterns of reactivity.
An example of an invalidating thought to be aware of may be:
“I’m so mad at myself, I don’t know why I can’t stop worrying about my test!”
2. Be a Gentle and Curious Observer:
When you create awareness of these kinds of thoughts, practice slowing down, putting your hand on your belly and taking 10 deep slow breaths.
Then when you feel calmer, describe the objective facts of the experience to yourself, for example:
“I feel tightness in my stomach and am thinking a lot about my upcoming chemistry test”
When you calmly describe your internal experience, it reduces the threat, and your unconscious can relax a bit. “Name it to tame it” is one of the first steps to self-validation.
3. Remember History:
Sometimes your feelings in the present will be triggered by feelings you had in the past.
When you can remind yourself that, for example, you failed a chemistry test in 6th grade, resulting in you having to retake the class, not know anyone in the class, feel like a friendless loser, and create an identity of a science failure forever!!
This sounds like an exaggeration, but that is unconsciously what your mind is doing when it gets triggered by an old wound.
So remind yourself that it makes sense that tests, especially chemistry tests, bring up old feelings, be kind and understanding to yourself about it.
4. Normalize Your Feelings:
Remind yourself, “Lots of people have anxiety about tests, and chemistry is hard! It makes sense that I feel this way.
5. Bring in the Truth:
Remind yourself: “My feelings are valid, I can also remember that was then and this is now.”
Remind yourself of the facts that are different now than they were in the past: I have studied enough, I am well prepared for this test, I have done well on all the quizzes so far, and there is no reason I won’t do well on this test as well.”
6. Be Your Own Best Friend:
Kindness and encouragement are nice little icings on the cake to validation.
Now that you feel understood by yourself, bring in a little self-love and nurturing, just like you would do for your best friend.
“I love you so much, and I’ll be right here to support you the whole time.”
Practice really feeling the love and support of your soul.
You are with yourself for your whole life, and you can learn to take good, kind, loving care of yourself and your energy system.
Practicing strengthening the connection you have with yourself will help you to access this kind of self-validation even more easily and quickly the next time your old triggers pop up.
Read more about Anxiety Treatment with Shana Olmstead.
