Speaking Your Truth

It’s really hard to express how you feel and what you want when you don’t know how you feel and what you want.  This is a big part of the problem that I encounter with clients that I work with on communication issues.

They complain of not being listened to, or feeling nervous to bring things up to people in their lives.  Some people understand why they feel this way.  They know that they are disconnected with how they really feel, or have a fear of conflict, or many other reasons they can point to for not expressing themselves.

Some people understand that this is a problem in their lives and want to work on it.  Another group of people find nothing wrong with not expressing how they really feel and don’t want to do anything to change it.  “It works for me” they tell me.

Sometimes I am one of the only people in their lives that they are truly open with. I always feel privileged and honored to hold space for people in this way. I also encourage my clients to find their voice and use it in the other relationships in their lives.

So what’s the problem with keeping things inside?  What’s wrong with going with the flow and not “rocking the boat” by being authentic?  Well just so many things!

If we are not being honest about how we feel in all of the relationships in our lives: work, romantic, family and friends, these aren’t real authentic relationships.  If we are not speaking the truth, those we are in relationships don’t really know us.  They know the polite, “what do you want to do?”, “oh that’s fine with me” version of us.  That’s not who we really are.

There are many reasons why this pattern manifests for people.  Often people who have trouble expressing themselves were in some way not seen or validated when expressing their feelings growing up.  They tend to be highly empathic and sensitive, worrying more about the feelings and needs of others than their own.  They value peace and harmony more than their own wants and needs, and will sacrifice what they want in order to preserve it.

Often, people aren’t even conscious of this pattern in their lives until it reaches a critical point.  Empaths and sensitive people are highly skilled at feeling the feelings of others, and often have a lot of trouble being aware of how they truly feel.  This can lead to living lives and being in relationships with people that don’t really make them happy.

When the sparks of awareness that things need to change happen, this can begin the process of self-exploration.  Understanding how you really feel can begin slowly and with conscious intention, or sometimes it happens by force, when a crisis of some kind comes in to wake you up to how you really feel.

For example: sometimes people start working on personal growth because they are just feeling a little off and not sure why.  They take time and work on things to become clearer on their real feelings.  Other times, something like a terrible review at work can be a catalyst to realizing that you never liked that job or career path at all.  This can lead to exploration of feelings on other topics as well, and eventually changing things to become more in alignment with your real truth.

As the process of awareness increases, it becomes increasingly uncomfortable to not make some change.  This includes having conversations you may feel challenged by, in order to continue your evolution.

The focus of this today is not the becoming aware of your feelings part.  I have written about that elsewhere and will continue to in the future.  This is about how to speak this new truth that you are starting to become aware of with the people in your life that need to hear it.

Some steps to practice speaking your authentic truth are:

1. Connecting with your true emotions:

• Take many opportunities each day to slow down, take some deep breaths and ask yourself “what am I feeling?” It will take time and practice to know how you really feel, versus what your brain is telling you you are feeling.
• Meditating and then journaling your feelings will help you connect with them more clearly. This helps you get out of your brain where fear and ego live, not your real emotions.
• Your true emotions will be calm, and not associated with fear or anxiety.
• For example: your brain might say “this job has great benefits, I like my coworkers, and it pays well.” While your true feelings are something like “I feel trapped, this job is boring and soul sucking and I want to feel more fulfilled!”
• This step is very important. Feel free to explore my other blogs on intuition and connecting to your own feelings for more information on these practices.

2. Start with a sacred space:

• Creating a safe container to begin the process of being vulnerable is very important. When beginning to stretch your authenticity muscles, you want to start in easy ways that will help to build your confidence.
• Starting with someone that won’t understand you, or will be defensive or invalidating will probably just feel discouraging and make you think it’s not a good idea to continue.
• Finding someone that you feel safe with to start practicing saying how you feel can help it feel easier. As you start expressing yourself with a dear kind friend, a therapist, or even your cat or a journal, you will start noticing how much lighter you feel.
• As you speak your truth in safe spaces you will also begin to become more clear on more truths in your life and how and who to speak them to.

3. Practicing mindfulness in the moment:

• When you have gotten some practice in knowing your true emotions, and expressing them to people that you feel safe with, it’s now time to graduate and speak them to more challenging people in your life.
• It could be your mother who always criticizes you, or maybe your boss who hasn’t given you a raise in 5 years, or maybe your partner who really needs to help out more with the housework.
• These more challenging situations probably have real reasons for feeling hard. Maybe you’ve tried saying how you feel and they don’t listen, or maybe you feel like they would get mad at you.
• Whether the fear is based on real history, or in your imagination, it produces the same chemical reaction in your body. It triggers the fight or flight response, which blocks our ability to feel our feelings and express them effectively.
• It’s very important in situations we feel more triggered in to stay present when we are in these conversations.
• To do so, find ways to get into a good feeling place first. Meditating for a few minutes, taking some slow deep grounding breaths, noticing all of the sights and sounds around you, doing a body scan and other mindfulness practices can get you into your body and ready to have a conversation.
• While you’re in the conversation, remembering to breathe and feel your feet in your shoes can help you stay grounded.

4. Getting prepared:

• If you have a habit of feeling nervous in challenging conversations, it is a good idea to actually write some notes down for yourself. You will be practicing mindfulness as well, so you will be calmer, but it’s a good idea to bring in some notes so that you don’t forget anything if you still are a little nervous.
• Check your expectations. Meaning, don’t have any.  You asserting yourself and feeling good about it does not depend on how the other person responds.  Go into it without an expectation of outcome, just an intention of showing up as you really are.
• Checking in with the person beforehand and asking if it’s a good time to talk. If it isn’t, just follow up and set a date and time that will work for both of you.

5. Follow up:

• Congratulate yourself, you are so awesome for challenging your old pattern! It’s so important to celebrate your accomplishments as you begin to shift into more authenticity.  It’s not always easy to grow, so giving yourself a pat on the back will help continue to build your confidence.
• Share your successes with your soul tribe. Success doesn’t necessarily mean that your mom will stop criticizing you forever, or you immediately get a raise, or your partner starts doing all the housework.  Success here means that you are stepping into a more powerful and authentic version of yourself by speaking your truth.  Let your people celebrate with you!
• Use the information that you are gathering in these new conversations help give you information about the people in your life and the direction you want to go in the future.
• This means that if you are starting to know how you feel, and speak it in kind and authentic ways and the situations in your life are not feeling better, it may be time to look at changing them.
• For example, if you continue to confidently and compassionately ask for a raise after 5 years, and it’s still not happening…..start looking for a new job. Don’t keep expecting things to change that aren’t working for you.  It’s up to you to change yourself.

This is a super fun an exciting area to work on.  In my experience as I see people becoming more confident in saying what they need to say to the people they need to say it to, their lives just keep getting better and better…

Our words are our wands, they create our reality.  Keeping your truth inside will keep you stuck inside an unfulfilled life.  Life is about expansion, individually and collectively.  Letting your truth out helps elevate the consciousness of everyone.  Thank you for your help!

Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant

I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington ​or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.